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Monday, September 1, 2008

Idiot Manager Tactics

My recent job was the first time I've been working for an idiot manager since I've attained higher awareness. It's interesting to note the tricks he's using. There was a time they would have fooled me. Now, they're totally transparent.

Every half hour or hour, let out a loud "**SIGH**". This creates the illusion that you're working hard. I can tell the difference between a sincere sigh and an insincere sigh!

Always look busy or annoyed.

Act like you're supremely confident that you know what you're doing. Show no doubt, even if you're clearly wrong.

Take advantage of other people's natural tendency to help. Every minute that other people spend explaining things to you increases your ability to fake understanding. The idiot manager has no obligation to produce actual working code, so superficial understanding suffices.

Insert yourself into every discussion. If I'm working on a nasty bug, then pretend to listen and offer insightful advice. Repeat things you read elsewhere.

Use bullying and intimidation to get your way. Schedule long meetings, so other people will agree to your wishes to get out of the meeting.

Make sure you butt-kiss your superiors. You're their buddy! You wouldn't cheat or lie to them!

Treat your subordinates like the scum you know they are. If they knew anything useful, they wouldn't be working for an ***hole like you!

Make sure you tell other people as little as possible, especially those who have a clue like me. The only quotes I heard about the idiot new manager's recommendations were indirectly via someone else. This way, if you tell contradictory things to different people, you won't get caught. If caught in a contradiction, you can always resort to a mindwipe (see below).

Make sure that blame for failure is directed elsewhere. Every minor success is a huge personal victory for you.

Emphasize the fact that people who don't work 80 hours/week aren't pulling their weight. Idiot managers are, of course, exempt from such a mandate.

Listen and steal the ideas of people who know what they're doing. If these people are smart enough to figure out you're faking it, make sure they get fired or get disgusted and quit. Once they're out of the picture, you can use their ideas!

Suppose I'm discussing potential features with a tester. Make sure you listen carefully! Later, you may claim the ideas I mentioned as your own!

I'm pretty sure the idiot new boss was trash-talking me behind my back. I can tell it from the change in other people's attitudes. I say "The idiot new boss is an idiot". The idiot new boss says "FSK is a complainer." It's my word against his. Who are the owners going to believe, their bestest friend or an idiot schmuck programmer? In this manner, the idiot new boss erases my attempt to provide useful feedback.

Exaggerate the problems that other people have. Previously, I was working on small annoying bugs. At the end, they were a *MAJOR CRISIS!!!*. Make sure that the testers don't report their problems directly to the programmer; insert yourself inbetween all discussions.

The Mindwipe

The most powerful tactic in the arsenal of the idiot manager is the mindwipe. The idiot manager literally has the power to alter people's memories. Here's how it works.

In Idiots vs. Reality #2, I caught the idiot manager in a contradiction. I had proof of "X", while the idiot manager said "not X". I was saying around to people "The idiot manager is dishonest. He said 'not X', while 'X' was true." The idiot manager knows that people will use logic to discredit him.

After he found out he got caught, the idiot manager went around saying to everyone "X". He successfully erased all memories that he had, at any time, said "not X". I say "The idiot manager is inconsistent. He said 'not X', while 'X' is true." Then, the retort is "What are you talking about? The idiot manager always said 'X'. He never said 'not X'." In this manner, my attempt to expose the idiot manager as a fraud backfires.

When I got fired, some of the marketing owners came to speak with me afterwards. I used the example in "Idiots vs Reality #2" to offer evidence against the idiot manager. They said that the idiot manager had never attempted to take credit for my proposed bugfix. In fact, he had gone around to everyone saying what a brilliant job I had performed fixing that bug. In this manner, my attempt to expose him as a fraud backfired. I looked like the bad guy. If I didn't have mindwipe resistance, I would have started questioning my own memories.

Someone that dishonest does not acquire the skill by accident. It is a finely honed skill.

I was thinking "OMFG! The idiot manager performed a successful mindwipe! He erased all evidence of his dishonesty!"

Do you have the ability to prevent other people from altering your memories? DO YOU? DO YOU REALLY? ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU REALLY SURE? ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?

If you've never said "OMFG! That idiot manager just pulled off a mindwipe!", then you probably don't have the ability to prevent your memories from being altered. Before I attained enlightenment, I would have assumed that my memory of the idiot manager's dishonesty was faulty. Not anymore! I've been trained by some of the world's biggest scumbags!

Idiot managers have never encountered someone with mindwipe resistance. I don't know if I have partial mindwipe resistance or full immunity. Most psychopaths have probably never encountered anyone with mindwipe resistance before, so my partial resistance should be as good as full immunity. I can't be sure. How can you be sure you've never been the victim of a mindwipe?

The Rails advocate also performed a mindwipe, albeit not as spectacular and well-coordinated as the new idiot manager. When we first started using Rails, he was saying. "Rails is cool! Rails is super-productive! We'll have a working prototype in a month!" Three months later, he said "I always said it would take 6 months to get something that runs." That isn't as spectacular as the new idiot manager's mindwipe, but it still counts as a mindwipe. Did he forget, or was he covering up his dishonesty?

If someone is "dishonest by accident" or "dishonest by strategic sabotage", does it matter? Either way, the consequences are the same. A small software company can't afford dishonesty about basic software engineering practices. You can get away with that in a large corporation, but not a small startup.

The mindwipe tactic is an important, critical concept. It is a key component of the manner in which psychopaths cement their control over everyone else.

The idiot manager is truly dangerous. In a large corporation, he can always shift the blame to others and make a career out of it. In a small startup, the psychopathic idiot manager is the kiss of death.

The idiot manager will singlehandedly ruin your business, while you're congratulating him for doing such a brilliant job.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is so right! I work for an idiot manager and am disgusted every single day. How the fuck do these people get into these management positions?! I sometimes wonder if the entire company hierarchy is made up of dumbass, assholes exploiting decent people.

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