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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Illness Details

I'll give more details about my illness. This is the 2nd time this has happened since I started my blog, and the 5th time this has happened in my life. I had a panic attack. It is classified as a "bipolar manic episode".

My problem is that, as a result of my hospitalization, I am now forced to take 10 mg/day of Abilify. Previously, I quit cold turkey, not liking the side effects, and spiraled back into a manic episode in 3-6 months. Previously, I was on 20mg/day or 30mg/day. This time I am "lucky" that I am only on 10mg/day.

I can barely concentrate enough to type my blog.

I want to stop the cycling, BUT I can't stand the side effects of the drugs. I wonder if the cycling itself is caused by the drugs? My longest time between hospitalizations was the time I completely refused drugs.

The bad part is that my self-strength increases and increases and then I have a panic attack. Just a week before my most recent hospitalization, I felt the best and most self-confident of my entire life.

Should I:

- Stay on a very small dose of the drugs. I've been considering asking my psychiatrist (I see him tomorrow) for a 2mg/day dose of Abilify, which I should be able to tolerate. Hopefully, that could smooth me out while allowing me to function normally.

- Refuse drugs altogether. The problem is exacerbated because I am living with my parents. They are frightened by my illness. They don't want to see me hospitalized again. Whenever I suggest to them that the side effects I *KNOW* are drug-induced, they say "Those are symptoms of your illness".

What do you think? I was thinking I should keep the details of the illness a secret.

On my CURRENT DOSE of drugs, there's no way I could produce a consistently high-quality blog.


Zhwazi said...

Between feeling great 95% of the time but being hospitalized 5%, and being unable to concentrate enough to write a blog 100% of the time, I'd choose to enjoy 95% of my life. But it's your choice, you've got better information than I do.

redpillguy said...

A completely layman vote: try the 2 mg dose.

Policeman inside your head:

Anonymous said...

If you decide against drugs, have a non-drug plan B ready. Consider for instance an exercise plan or paying more attention to the quality of your diet -- both are things that can help keep the mental chemistry more stable.

Tristan said...

You have my sympathy, sometimes side effects can be worse than the problem...

I wonder whether there's any alternative drug therapies which you could try, I know it often takes several tries to find a suitable regime for depression for many people.

Anonymous said...

I think people can use your illness against you in intellectual arguments, implying you are 'nuts'. So you should have kept it a secret. I have found on the internet that people who know things about you use it against you unscrupiously.

hope you get better soon, my advice would be stay away from the drugs, though that sounds scary.

redpillguy said...

How do we know you haven't been kidnapped, and someone is posing as you pretending to be mentally ill to discredit everything you've written? ;)

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