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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Honest Job Ad

It's discouraging reading job ads. I wish employers were more explicit about what they want.

We're looking for pathetic losers who are willing to work 60+ hour weeks, and act like we're doing a favor for letting them work so much. We only want applicants with no life and no interests outside of work.

We're looking for candidates who are dumb enough to accept a couple shares in our startup, instead of cash.

We want you to act like our stupid startup is the most brilliant thing you've ever heard. We want you to act like back-end number crunching is the most amazing and exciting thing you've ever done. There's nothing more intellectually stimulating than writing an ad hoc report that's meaningless and nobody reads.

We want you to think that free soda is awesome, and ignore the fact that we're underpaying you and overworking you.

We want people who are smart enough to be a computer expert, but also dumb enough that we can manipulate them. We want people who are smart, but who aren't smarter than us.

We want to hire a superstar genius. All programmers are interchangeable cogs.

Our startup doesn't have a technical co-founder. That's not a problem. We can hire anyone to develop our website for us. Even though we're computer illiterate, we're capable of hiring a good team and managing the product. Even though we're computer illiterate, we can tell the difference between hiring someone good, and hiring someone who's faking it.

We hired an outsourcing team to do version 1.0 of our product. They did a brilliant job and it's almost done. It just needs some tweaking and finishing. We hired losers to do version 1.0. It's a complete mess and you need to redo it. We're hoping to hire you to replace them.

We expect at least 5 years of experience in each of Java, Javascript, AJAX, UNIX, Linux, Solaris, Windows, .NET, C#, C++, ASP.NET, PHP, Rails, SQL, MS SQL, mySQL, PL/SQL, Drupal, WordPress, FileMaker, Access, Excel, and PowerPoint.

I did another interview with a startup, with no technical cofounder. I asked them "How did you build your website, without a technical co-founder." They said "We hired an outsourcing team. We managed it. It's great! We're ready for beta!" I asked "May I see the beta?" They said "NO! That's a secret! We can't show anyone! Our beta is awesome, but we're not ready to show it to you!" Given their fear of showing me the beta, what they have so far is almost definitely a turd. They're using "This is SECRET! IMPORTANT!" as cover for "We have nothing."

If you have no technical ability and hire an outsourcing team, you're practically guaranteed to get cheated.


Why do so many people think "I can hire anyone to implement my website for me." It doesn't work that way. There are a lot of people who can successfully implement a website. If you have no technical ability, the odds of you hiring one of them are practically zero.

I wonder how many people could configure a Linode and WordPress, like I did? Even with the guides, it wasn't easy.

This is a pretty severe symptom, of corruption in the economy. The important people are the marketing wizards with VC connections and a slick powerpoint presentation. The people who actually do the work aren't important.

If you don't have good computer literacy, it's almost impossible to make a decent website.


Anonymous said...

>They're using "This is SECRET!
>IMPORTANT!" as cover for "We have

I got taken in by that many years ago. I left a stable, low paying job for a marginally better paid, very unstable job. The net result was that I was much worse off.

Anonymous said...

>We want you to think that free soda
>is awesome, and ignore the fact
>we're underpaying you and
>overworking you.

In one job interview, the interviewer commented on how I could live in London on such a low salary as my current job paid me!

He did give me a job offer but at basically the same salary. I accepted the job because I thought it offered a pension. Once I started the job I found out the pension scheme was only for directors! The contract was carefully worded - there would be a pension scheme but no mention that I would not be included!

Anyway I was overworked. The company eventually put my salary up, but they delayed it, I just couldn't hold out and so had already been interviewing for other jobs. I ended up leaving. The increase is salary wasn't even proportional to the the free overtime I did. I worked 55 - 60 hours a week. Three other employees worked 40 hours a week. I got paid roughly the same as someone with far less experience who worked 15 hours less a week!

Anyway back to the point. After I left the company, they started to offer free pizzas to employees one day a week!!!!!

The directors worked long hours, but really didn't see that as an employee I was getting nothing out of working hard there.

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